Today I thought I heard my husband’s voice in my head. I’ve often heard him. Perhaps not his actual voice but certainly his message. Sometimes it’s funny or wise, but mostly it just tells me to splurge. He was always much looser with money than I could ever be. I was the Ms. Budget Disciplinarian and he was Mr. Cash Advance. Our roles diverged when it came to long-term financial stuff. Seriously diverged. Whenever he or anyone else would discuss retirement or investments, I would just hear white noise. He’s been gone for over four years and I still hear white noise whenever finances comes up,so I mostly avoid the subject. I look at and file away bank statements, and could tell you what my balances are to the penny. But making decisions about what to do?  Oh dear G-d am I hopeless.

So today I had my annual “when will I be living in a cardboard box?” meeting. I am called in to discuss…oh for the life of me I don’t know what is discussed. I swear to Lucifer it’s all white noise. My financial advisor, whom my husband and I both adored, suggested something somewhat radical today. Maybe it just seemed radical because I actually heard it? I’m not sure. But I did hear it and my response was; “he didn’t want that.” I said it so firmly, so assuredly, but now hours later I’m not so sure. Perhaps he never said that, perhaps he said something like it but in reference to an entirely different scenario. I don’t know now and that makes me so sad. I miss his counsel so much, but that’s not why I’m sad. I’m sad because he’s slipping away from me. If I can’t hear his voice about something as important as my future, he’s really gone. I look around and my life would be unrecognizable to him. Old and close friends still say things like; “it’s what he’d want” or “he’d be so happy for you.” But ya know what? They don’t know. They don’t. They feel it, and that’s great, but they don’t know.

I’m so glad I had a happy marriage. I’m even a little glad that he never had to get very old and sick. I rarely think about my initial traumas surrounding his death, I simply don’t allow it. I’ve moved on in every conceivable way. But what if moving on has meant I’ve left him behind? I want him with me. He gave me strength when he was alive and I can’t lose that. I just can’t. I’m not ready. I still hear white noise.

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